A Realtors Rant

You may find this hard to believe, but watching a few episodes of HGTV does not automatically qualify you as an expert in the real estate market.

As someone who went to school for close to a year, wrote several exams, passed, then had to take more courses during the cash grab the government calls the "articling period", and have mandatory courses I have to take for the rest of the time I decide to keep my license, believe me when I say I may know a little more about buying and selling a house than you do.

If you think you're one of those people who think you're going to save your money and sell it yourself, good luck to you. Must be nice to have all that free time. Bear in mind that when you are comparing your house to others that sold through the MLS system, that you need to take about 5% off those prices to price yours. Just because your neighbor/mistress/friend/barber/brother/sister/person of faith sold their house for 300 grand does not mean yours is worth that - no matter how many trinkets you've purchased at the Home Depot or Rona.

Good luck weeding through the tire kickers and those people who are out "just looking" to see how the other half lives, or even those who are casing the joint to rip you off later. A big portion of you will end up giving up but hey, give it your best shot. A hint though - not all Realtors are slimeballs. Granted - many are. But if we call you to ask questions about your house, some of us may actually have a buyer who is interested. Telling us to "fuck off" is probably not conducive to completing a sale.

Sellers - When you ask me what my commission is and I tell you, don't tell me I'll "have to do it for less". Would you like it if your boss asked you to work for half your salary for the next month? Especially if your boss told you that'd he'd also be taking half of what you actually made after working for half. Thats right, my Broker takes a hefty chunk of everything I make. If you really want something for nothing - call someone else. There are agents out there that will work for next to nothing, but I wouldn't trust them to sell my daughters' doll house. They'll put a sign on your lawn and thats the last you'll see of them. Forget about marketing your home. Besides, if I'm willing to work for less than I think I'm worth, do you really think I'm going to work to get you the best price for your house?

Yeah, everyone wants to save money, or get something for nothing. Personally, as someone in "the biz", I like dealing with Agents who return phone calls, find out the answer to a question if they don't know, don't bullshit if they don't know, return phone calls, return pages, CALL when they say they will, make sure that documents are signed properly and legibly to save everyone time, and conduct themselves in an ethical manner. These are the people I'd want to work for me when I sell my house. Did I mention returning phone calls? Funny how the Agents I like working with never cut their commissions, and the ones I have all the problems with are the ones that do. Either that or they work for a "Big City Broker" and think their shit doesn't stink. You know what buddy? That boss whose ass you have your nose jammed up in used to steal flags off the graves of veterans and sell them - and seems to be proud of his "entreprenurial" savvy in doing so....so you can imagine what I think of you.

I know you think you know more than I do - after all, if you saw it on TV it must be true!, but you may want to take at least one or two of my suggestions to heart...
When I give you a range of what your home is worth - tacking on 10 grand to that is probaby not a good idea. It's a waste of my time, marketing dollars (which comes out of my commission that you want to cut) and more importantly - your time and energy.

You're planning to move anyway right? So pack some of the crap that litters your entire house away NOW. I think you can live without your wedding/birthday/childhood/dog photos, thimble collection and knick knacks that lay all over the place for a month or so. Make the beds - do you really think people want to see your body hair and fluid stains on the sheets?, clean.... oh hell even just flush the toilets, and empty the wastepaper baskets if you know people are coming to look at your house. Again, we don't need to know what kind of personal care products you use. Moreover, the empty yogurt container and a spoon in the bathroom next to the toilet give me and potential buyers visuals we just don't need. Empty the litter box and wash the dishes, or at least stick 'em in the dishwasher.

Your house shows like a crack den and then you blame me because it's not selling? Heres a hint for you... when people want to go home and shower after seeing your house, its generally not a good sign.

When I tell you that the "faux finish" sponge painted walls that you're so proud of should be painted over in a neutral color - believe me. When I actually volunteer to do it myself, you should take that as a hint that it looks like hell. Yes yes, I know your friends all think it looks wonderful - what, you think they're going to tell you the truth? They probably figure your 3 year old got carried away with the paint set.

Buyers.. and renters... heres a news flash for you.... you're not going to find a new 1000 sq ft condo, with new stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, 2 bedrooms, a balcony with a fabulous view, low monthly maintenance fees, parking and a locker, a five minute walk from your office in downtown Toronto for 150 grand - or under 1100 a month. If you're coming from out of town and told me that you only have 1 day to find something - don't cop an attitude with me when nothing we see matches your unrealistic criteria in its entirety. Especially when you tell me that you "are far too busy" to look through my suggestions and for me to pick them out for you. I know this may be hard for you to believe, but I'm not going to intentionally show you places that don't match your unrealistic "wants". I do have more productive things to do with my time. When I show you 8 places and tell you that this is everything in the area - don't tell me to show you more tomorrow. You may not beleive this, but I do have other clients, and you've seen all thats available. Thats it! Further, whereas I think your "I never compromise anything" attitude is admirable, it's going to have to change if you have any expectation of finding a home in a hot market.

I know, I know - you living 5,000 miles away probably makes you an expert on local real estate, but when both I AND the relocation agency tell you something, do you not think we may have a inkling as to what market conditions are? Maybe just a liiiitle more than you do?

I can appreciate that you are trying to stick to a budget, but try to see things in a grander scale. When you're making close to a hundred grand a year, is the potential for a $45 dollar a month hydro bill REALLY the deal breaker you seem to think it is?

Appliances. I've seen more transactions fall thru or get held up over a 10 year old stove or fridge than I'd ever thought possible. You know what? If the seller wants to go through the hassle of moving a 300 pound relic that probably won't survive the trip to it's new location - let him! More often than not, it ends up on a curb somewhere because after "beating out " the buyer and getting to keep the stove, they realize it's not worth hanging on to and moving. For 800 to 1000 dollars, you can get a fancy NEW stove that in some cases, you won't have to make payments on for more than a year - and they'll move it in for you. Thats if the seller doesn't turn around and ask you if you want to buy the appliance that they so desperately wanted to keep.

Home Inspections - Okay, so you're buying a $400,000 house, but you balk at paying $300.00 to make sure that its not going to need a new roof or be completely rewired in order to get insurance? Further, you get into a competition situation and pay $50,000 dollars MORE than the asking price, and don't want to spend $150.00 for my clients' - the "losers" home inspection reports that they (wisely) had done. That way, at least the losing party would recoup half of their "loss" and you'd know what you actually spent $450,000 on. I like living on the edge too but remind me never to go to Vegas with you.